


Paddy’s Pub: Now Serving Food

by HowMuchCheeseIsTooMuchCheese



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse, Drug Abuse, Gay Mac is a thing in this and he’s always been out in this so it’s not like current or anything, Mild Hurt/Comfort, but for now I’m just gonna, food gore, tags will be updated as the fic goes on
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-06
Updated: 2017-11-10
Packaged: 2019-01-30 11:37:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12652791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HowMuchCheeseIsTooMuchCheese/pseuds/HowMuchCheeseIsTooMuchCheese
Summary: Mac has the bright idea to start selling food like all the bars that are actually successful in South Philly. The cook they hire fits in better than they thought.





	1. Mac MacDonald and His Amazing Plan

Paddy’s pub

  
10:30 AM

  
On a Wednesday

Philidelphia, PA

Dennis, Dee, Frank, and Charlie are sitting  
at the bar. The door flings open and Mac bursts in from the office,

“I got it!” He shouts. Everyone turns and looks at Mac.

“Got what, an std from one of your buddies from The Rainbow?” Dee kicks her foot out as she laughs and claps her hands.

“Okay, Dee, we should really work on your sensitivity toward gay people.” Mac points at her “You’re lucky we aren’t a real business with Human Resources”

Dee nods and withdraws her foot and places it back on one of the rings on the barstool, “right, sorry..”

“But my idea is… get ready….Food! We should start selling food!” Mac announces like he’s the smartest man alive. Dennis speaks up,

”Where’re we gonna get the money for all that equipment? Hell, where would we even put the equipment? There’s no room for a kitchen here.”

“We can uh.. we can just get a hot plate and a deep frier that you just kinda plug in and keep ‘em in the office.” Charlie says, looking around at everyone for approval.

“Excellent idea Charlie, we just have to hire someone who doesn’t have any consideration for the health of the public.”

“Hang on” Frank starts, leaning on the counter “why don’t I just pay for it?”  
“Really, Frank?” Dennis blinks in disbelief “You’re actually going to put your money toward bettering the bar?”

”Well if there’s a kitchen, then I can get wings whenever I want-” he raises a finger “..for _free_ ”  
Mac, Dennis, Dee and Charlie all look at each other and shrug.

Dennis tilts his head and leans in a little. “Okay, Frank...So you’re saying we’ll go to the kitchen supply store and you’re going to buy everything?”

“Yeah!”

Dennis nods  
“Alright. I guess that’s that then”


	2. The Applicant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An applicant for the chef position arrives at Paddy’s Pub, Dennis is dubious and comes up with a plan to really test the applicant’s skill.

Two weeks later

9:00AM

On a Monday

Plilidelphia, PA

The kitchen has been successfully installed

Dennis is behind the bar pouring drinks for everyone while they all argue about marketing ideas.

“I’m just sayin’ that I think we could use a mascot!”

“Charlie, we are NOT using green man as a mascot. You only ever cause trouble when you’re green man and that’s not the publicity we need” Dennis says as he places everyone’s glasses onto the counter.

"Hey! Bad publicity is better than good publicity!” Charlie retorts.

“You mean bad publicity is good publicity. Besides, people won’t come into the bar if they think a little man in a green suit is gonna run at them and spill beer all over them!” Dee squawks, voice getting annoying and more forced as she speaks.

The front door opens and a short boy with average to muscular build, tastefully styled medium length brown hair, black denim pants, and a light blue button up shirt steps in.

 Dennis walks to the front end of the bar, “Hey, hey! Kids aren’t allowed in here. Get out or we’ll throw you out” he shouts sternly at the supposed child.

 The boy quirked an eyebrow, “Kid? I’m twenty-nine. I’m here for the chef position, I saw the sign in the window. It’s still open, right?”

 “Oh, my mistake. You’re just uh..”

 "Short? Yeah.” The ‘boy’ walks up to the counter and puts a piece of paper in front of Dennis, “Here’s my resume."

Dennis picks it up and looks it over, “Hm… Theodore Smith. You went to culinary school… I’m afraid you’re overqualified for this job, goodbye.” Dennis carelessly flings the paper back at Theodore and walks back to the back end of the bar as the paper whips around Theodore and then flutters to the floor.

Dee rolls her eyes “Dennis, he’s the only person who’s shown up. Just hire the kid” She says in a hushed voice.

 “No way, Dee! If we hire him we have to pay him a decent wage for actually being qualified”

“But what if tha food he cooks is so good it brings in more business than we planned?” Frank croaks.Everyone turns and looks at the opposite end of the bar. Theodore is sitting there dejectedly, reading his resume over and wondering how that went so wrong so fast.

Dennis sighs before he walks back up to the front of the bar. He smiles at Theodore like nothing happened and pours him a glass of whiskey, “Listen.. Teddy- Can I call you Teddy? If you can cook us something and we all like it, you can have the job.”

"Teddy’s eyes light up, “Really?”

 Dennis nods,“ -but the catch is… the dish gets to be chosen by that scruffy little man over there” he extends his left arm with an open hand and directs Teddy’s attention to Charlie. Charlie sits up straight and smiles like an idiot.

Teddy looks at Dennis with a determined look in his eyes,“I’ll do it. Point me to your kitchen.”

Dennis hands Teddy his drink and leads him to the kitchen. They stand in the doorway as

Dennis dramatically turns on the lights, “Welcome… to your second trial”

 “Wait- What happened to the first trial? What’s the firs-“

Dennis holds up a finger to Teddy’s face, “Shhh” he guides Teddy into the kitchen.  
Teddy looks at the equipment presented before him, it looks new. Too new.

He speaks through the finger in his face, “Is... Is everything is still covered in the factory plastic?”

Dennis retracts his finger. “Well, Teddy. You wouldn’t know so I’ll let it slide this time but this kitchen was finished only just a few nights ago” he explains as he turns on his heel to face the short man before him.

“So you.. don’t have any ingredients?” Teddy questions.

 “No we don’t have any-“ Dennis stifles his anger and takes a deep breath, “....Your first trial is going to the grocery store with our dear Charlie and getting the ingredients you need to construct the dish of his choice. With your own money, of course.”

 “O...kay? That’s strange.. but alright. I need to go grocery shopping anyways.”

Dennis slaps Teddy’s back, “That’s the spirit! Now get out there and take Charlie to the grocery store.”

 

10:00AM

 

Ever since the boys got into the car, Charlie has just been looking out the window and Teddy just follows his gps to the closest grocery store in south Philly.

Ten minutes into the drive, Teddy speaks up, “So what are you gonna have me make?”

 “Oh, that’s easy dude. Milksteak!” Charlie announces cheerfully.

“Milk.. steak” the words feel unnatural coming out of Teddy’s mouth.

“Yeah, Milksteak!” Charlie confirms.

“What is in Milk Steak?”

“Well, there’s milk. And there’s steak. Oh, and raw jellybeans.”

Teddy glances at Charlie, “Jellybeans. Really?”

Charlie nods,“Yep. That’s the best part. They add crunch to the steak”

Teddy sighs, “I see why your weird friend let you pick what I have to cook.”

“Nah Dennis isn’t weird. Well I mean... He IS but that isn’t that weird for him. He’s just kinda dramatic. Kinda makes me wonder why Dee’s the actor and not him but whatever I guess he got the acting gene.”

Teddy can’t believe that this guy can just talk and talk like one of those toy phones you pull on the string behind you. “So...Dennis isn’t a psychopath?” Teddy asks, hope in his voice.

“Oh, no. He absolutely is a psychopath. He talks about skinning people like CONSTANTLY.”

Teddy’s eyes widen, “Oh.. okay. I’ll be sure to do my job, then.” he just tries to focus on listening to the GPS and driving.

Minutes pass before Charlie breaks the silence again,“So why’re you dressed like that, Bro?”

 “Because I thought I was going to an interview”

Charlie laughs, “Oh man you really aren’t familiar with us. You don’t have the accent either, where’re you from?”

 “Oh, uh, I’m from Scranton.”

Charlie jumps in surprise so hard it makes the car bob slightly, “NO WAY! Like, The Office Scranton? I never knew that place was real!”

 “Really? Well don’t bother going now it’s pretty sad.”

 “Worse than Philly?”

 “I’m here, aren’t I?” Charlie shrugs as they pull into the grocery store parking lot and Teddy parks the car. The two get out and enter the grocery store.

“So, since I’m new to this store, where are-“ Teddy turns to Charlie, Charlie is gone,  
“The jellybeans…” Teddy sighs and heads out to pick up ingredients, which of course include but aren’t limited to, steak, jellybeans, and milk. As Teddy gets a half gallon of whole milk out of the case in the back of the store, Charlie runs up to him,

“Hey check this out!” Charlie holds up a 6lb plastic bag full of cheese-wiz like a baby. The bag sags and smushes in his hands.

 “Yeah that’s. A bag of cheez-whiz alright, what about it?”

“If you buy it for me it I’ll say your cooking is good no matter how bad it tastes just please I need this like really bad, dude.”

Teddy closes his eyes, rolls his head back and sighs, “How much is it?”

“Uhh….” Charlie looks at the floor and thinks for a moment, then looks back up, “Six bucks”

Teddy resets his head and looks at Charlie, “Alright. Put it in the carry basket.”

“Actually I kinda wanna just carry it and mush it around."

Teddy shrugs and starts walking toward the front of the store, “Just as long as you don’t pop it in my car, Okay?”

Charlie walks beside him, “I dunno man I can’t promise anything.”

 “Will you at least clean it off the interior if it does?”

 “Oh yeah I’ll totally eat it. I’m like.. fueled by cheese, dude.”

Teddy smiles and laughs a little, “I said ‘clean’, not ‘eat’.”

Charlie shakes his head, “Yeaaaah I dunno man it sounded like ‘eat’ to me. I mean. What else do you do with cheese?”

Teddy stammers, amazed at how bad Charlie misunderstood him, “I-I mean I guess you do just eat it. Are you planning on eating that whole bag yourself?”

 “Oh hell yeah man. Hey, if you get the job do you wanna hang out at the bar and get wasted? That’s what we do at Paddy’s anyways. Yknow, like a birthday party for your job.”

 “We’ve only spoken for an hour and you’re already inviting me to drink?”

 “Well yeah I mean you bought me a big bag of cheese, you can’t be THAT bad”

 "I really shouldn't stay and drink, I have to drive myself home. Plus I'm just an employee, you know?" Teddy picks up some basic spices as well as an onion and a carrot as they’re on the way to the checkout line. Teddy pays, bags, and carries everything but the bag of Cheez-whiz to the car. He puts everything in the back and they begin the drive back to Paddy’s.

 

11:45AM

 

The gang sits, and drinks, and waits for Teddy to come out of the kitchen. Minutes pass, and he emerges, apron on, with a plate of food. The plate has a steak seasoned with salt and pepper, cooked rare, cut into medallions with gravy drizzled on top and a pile of jellybeans on the side because he honestly didn't know what to do with them.

“Woah woah hey wait-” Mac says “..where's the rest of the plates?”

 “ ‘Rest of the plates’? Dennis said one dish. That's why I cut this steak into five pieces” Teddy anxiously spurts with a wide eyed look.

 “Deduction for not making enough for everyone!” Mac shouts.

 “Now, now Mac. I did say one dish and the only criteria said dish has to fill is that we all have to enjoy it.” Dennis explains as he steps aside to make room for teddy behind the bar so he can stand in front of everyone. Teddy pulls out five forks and five napkins for each of them and places them and the plate on the bar. Dee, Mac, and Dennis all take a fork and pick up a segment with it, while Frank and Charlie take their pieces with their hands.

Frank practically inhales his, slaps the bar, and shouts, “You’re hired!”

Dee talks as she chews, “Frank is right, this is pretty damn good.”

 "Yeah who cares if it isn't Charlie’s gross milksteak, this isn't bad” Mac agrees.

 Dennis takes a bite and chews thoughtfully as he pats the corners of his mouth with the napkin. “Hmm... “ he swallows, “cooked evenly.. Good flavor.. The gravy has a nice, smooth, creamy consistency. I’d say that this is adequate, you're hired.”

Teddy raises his hand a little like a student trying to get a teacher’s attention, “Wait But.. what about Charlie, what does he think? I thought everyone had to like my food.”

 “Oh, Charlie?” Dennis laughs, “His opinion doesn’t matter. He eats cat food every night before he goes to sleep.” Teddy looks shocked and looks at Charlie.

Charlie smiles and nods, “It’s true, I do regularly eat cat food. It’s not as bad as you thi-“

 “That is a bold faced lie, it’s exactly as bad as you think and he enjoys it.” Dennis emphasizes.

 “So uh..” Teddy starts “.. if there’s no food to prepare here what do I do today?”

Dennis turns to Teddy and smiles, “You’re going to help Charlie take all the trash from the renovation and put it in the dumpster”

 “Oh.. okay. Can do, boss”

 “Sir”

 "I’m- I’m sorry? You want me to-“

 “Call Me sir? Yes. And don’t say sorry, BE sorry. Show me how sorry you are by doing your work”

 "Yes sir.”

 “Good. Now move along” Dennis directs Teddy to the alley where the trash is piled. The trash includes scraps of 2x4s, plastic pipe, sawdust, boxes from appliances and all the trash from worker’s lunches over the past two weeks. Teddy grabs a bag and starts dragging it toward the dumpster.

Charlie nudges him and whispers, "Don't bother, I just burn it. We just have to throw it in the basement." Maybe things won't be so bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoo boy. Day one on the job and the implication of danger is definitely frightening Teddy. Also those big bags of cheese wiz are real, look them up, I dare you.


	3. Charlie and Teddy Skip Work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teddy comes in late after his car breaks down and Dennis sends him to help Charlie do Charlie Work as a punishment.

12:00 PM

On a Wednesday

Philadelphia, PA

Teddy stumbles into the bar, he was only hired not even two weeks ago and he’s already coming in late.   
“I’m-“ he gasps, “I’m sorry I’m late I-“ he pants, “my car broke down and I had to.. I had to walk.” He stumbles down to the back end of the bar where everyone always sits and he climbs onto the stool.

Dee sniffs the air and screams, “Oh, eugh, you REEK did you roll around in garbage before you came in?”

“Some guy was riding a bike on the sidewalk and he pushed me into a trash can”

“Well good!” Dennis claps his hands together, “Because you’re stinky and late that means you’re too dirty to work in the kitchen. You’re gonna do Charlie Work today, he’s in the vents re-cheesing the traps.” Charlie Work has become the punishment of choice for when Teddy does something wrong. He’s done Charlie Work one other time last week and so far Charlie appreciates the help, even if helping him is supposed to be a punishment. Dennis reaches under the bar and holds up a bag of cheese, “He likes to eat the cheese as he works so go bring him more.”

Teddy nods and takes the bag, “Yes sir..” he says grimly before walking to the office.

Teddy steps on the chair, then on the desk just before the vent. He clenches the top of the cheese bag in his teeth and slings it over his shoulder before he uses both his hands to help him climb into the vent. He spends ten minutes crawling and crawling, reaching back and eating a cheese cube every so often. “This sucks,” he thinks to himself, “Where the hell is charlie? There’s only so many ventilation ducts in this place..”

SMASH

Teddy gets startled and jumps, banging around in the metal vent, “What was that? Did someone drop a bottle?”

SMASH

“No way that’s not accidental, someone’s smashing shit on purpose.” Teddy holds his breath and listens close for any kind of context to what’s going on. He can hear Charlie yelling but he can’t make out what he’s saying.

SMASH

Teddy jumps again. “Shit...maybe it’s because I didn’t get to help him in time. I better get out of here,” Teddy starts crawling again to find his way back out. He spots a light in the middle of a segment of vent “There's no way that’s the office.... maybe this place has an attic? This building is old as hell it must have something cool in it.” he thinks as he decides to crawl toward the light. He can hear Charlie’s voice getting clearer. Teddy gets to the light and crawls through the vent, he puts his hands on the floor to pull himself out and cuts his hand a little on the glass,  
“Ow..shit....Charlie?”

Charlie whips around. He’s sweaty and his hair isn’t fluffy like it usually is.  
“What’re you doing here? How did you find my bad room?” He clenches a glass bottle by the neck.

Teddy pulls himself the rest of the way out and he stands, “Oh. Uh.. Dennis said you were refilling the rat traps and that I should bring you more cheese” Teddy explains as he brushes his legs off and inspects his hand.

“That.. BASTARD” Charlie whips the bottle at the back wall of the room. “He knew I was up here! GAHH” he jumps up and down on the wood floor,   
“I HOPE YOU CAN HEAR ME YOU SLINKY ASSHOLE!”

“Woah, hey, Charlie. What’s wrong?”

“Why am I a punishment? What’s so bad about me?? Do YOU think I’m a punishment?” Teddy flinches as Charlie yells

“N-no way Charlie, you’re like, the best person in the bar”

“You’re LYING! I saw you flinch!” Spittle flies from Charlie’s mouth.

“No, Charlie I’m not lying. You were the most friendly when I first got here. I bought you a bag of cheese, remember?”

“Yeah..” Charlie cracks a smile “That was great..”

“If you’re mad at Dennis do you wanna skip out on work? He never pays attention to anyone but   
himself anyways”

“You know what? Yeah. To hell with Dennis, let’s skip work.” Charlie sets the bottle down on the floor and waves Teddy over “c’mon there’s an easier way out of here” Charlie leads Teddy out a door and down a steep, old flight of stairs that end up in some back room, and then to the bar.

Dennis hears Charlie slam the back room door, “Hey- Hey! Charlie! What the hell man, you can’t just go and smash bottles in your temper tantrum room all day!”

Charlie points at him “hey screw you man, you can’t shit all over us anymore! We quit!”

Teddy looks mortified, “uh- I- I don’t quit! Dennis, please, I’m not quitting”

“You’re quitting, let’s go!” Charlie grabs Teddy’s arm and leads him out the front door as Teddy reaches toward the bar.

Charlie takes a deep breath of the not-so-fresh philly air and sighs, “Alright dude, what do you wanna do as two freshly unemployed men?”

“Charlie please don’t say unemployed I can’t live without a job”

“Bah! You’re fine. I never got paid and I’m fine! Now what’re your ideas”

“Uh…. we could walk around a junkyard, we can sneak into a movie, we- I mean- I can buy a pizza and just hang out”

“We should steal some beer from the bar!”

“Charlie, if we go back in there Dennis is gonna be pissed”

“You’re probably right… how do you feel about huffing glue?”

“I think it takes too much dedication and I can just. Buy beer.”

“No, no, not glue instead of beer, I mean WITH the beer”

“I mean… I have real drugs at home”

“Oh! So, what? Like.. cocaine or-“

“No! God no, you know what? We’ll just get to my place and I’ll instacart some beer. We gotta get a taxi because my car broke down” Teddy steps out and hails a taxi. A text pulls over and stops, Teddy opens one door, scoots over, and Charlie gets in after.

The driver turns around “so, where to- eaughh” he clamps a hand over his nose and mouth and wretches. “Get outta my damn car, what are you, homeless?” The driver kicks them both out, refusing to serve them if they stayed in the cab.

“Well… good thing there’s Uber” Teddy grins and sticks his tongue out between his teeth as he slips his phone out of his pocket and requests a car. Teddy shoves both his hands in his pockets as he bounces on his feet, “So uh… I know I stink, do you stink?”

“Oh, dude,” Charlie looks at him like it’s obvious, “I’m the janitor, I always stink.”

Teddy shrugs “I dunno man, I don’t just go sniffing people like a dog.” Teddy’s phone buzzes as a car pulls to the curb, his eyebrows raise “I guess that’s our ride,” he opens the car door and lets charlie get in first. Teddy waits for Charlie to scoot his butt over and he sits as he closes the door behind him.  
Before the Uber driver has a chance to complain, teddy interrupts, “now look, Mr-“ he checks the Uber app “-Jonathan. I know we smell bad and that’s why if you drive us to where we need to go, I’ll tip you 50%”

The Uber driver looks surprised “I-... okay. Sounds good.” The boys buckle up and the driver starts driving. As they drive, Teddy realizes they’re in some areas he doesn’t recognize,

“Hey, Uh.. Jonathan? This isn’t the way to my apartment.”

Jonathan nods “Oh, no, it is. I’m just taking the scenic route. To make my 50% tip worth it.” He glances back and smiles. Teddy furrows his brows.

“You can’t let him do that, man!” Charlie shouts “You’ll be broke by the time the ride’s over! We still need beer and shit.”

“No, Charlie. We stink like two rats drowned in a toilet. It’s only fair.” Teddy solemnly admits, hoping that self awareness will make the Uber Driver have mercy on them.

The whole drive lasts forty-five minutes. Teddy only lives twenty minutes away, but so be it. The diver comes to a stop outside the building, the total ends up being $65.

Jonathan smiles, “thank you for your business, remember to leave five stars!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Teddy waves his hand lazily at the Uber driver before getting out, and Charlie follows.

They walk up the stoop to Teddy’s apartment building, get in the elevator, and go to the fifth floor where his room is. As they walk through the halls, charlie looks at all the doors they pass,

“Wow! There’s no bums here or anything! People- people decorate their doors? If I put anything on my door, it’d just get stolen!”

“Oh man, you must live in a really shitty building then,” Teddy leans over and whispers “this place kind of has a cockroach problem.”

“Roaches? Oh that’s nothing. Our building has those big ol’ sewer rats. We never use our bathroom”

Teddy gags “rats? Gross…. who do you mean ‘our’? Do you have a girlfriend?” He raises his brows and elbows Charlie a little.

“Girlfriend?” Charlie repeats, confusion in his voice, “no way, Frank is my roommate.”

“Oh.. jeez. That must be fun” Teddy comments with only the slightest sprinkle of sarcasm.

“It actually is really fun! Except for all the cats outside in the alley. You’d think fifty meowing cats would be relaxing but it really isn’t”

“..I’m sorry… fifty cats?”

“Yeah, because of the rat problem,” Teddy nods as he unlocks the door, Charlie is slammed with a wall of perfume, he pinches his nose, “Oh, dude, what is that smell? It’s like. It smells like a fortune teller tent in here”

“Oh, that’s the incense.” He walks in and points out the disheveled sofa, “make yourself comfortable, sorry the couch is so crummy. The remotes are on the coffee table- I’m gonna go shower.” Charlie shrugs, picks up a remote, and starts clicking around on the tv as Teddy gets some things ready and goes to shower.

“Legally Blonde? No…. Anime? Oh Jesus, no….” Charlie hasn’t found a single thing   
“How can there be so many options and still nothing to watch? Jeez”

Teddy comes out in a baggy shirt, pajama pants, and socks, “Still haven’t found anything, huh? Yeah it’s a bitch,” he walks to the fridge, “what kind of soda do you want?”

“...soda? Like. The mixer?” He looks over to the kitchen “Not unless you have something to put it in.”

“I.. have rum. Don’t you think it’s early for that?”

“Hey man, you’re in pajamas. You can’t lecture me on when it’s too early for something,” Charlie smiles because he never gets to burn someone that good, like, ever.

“Yeah… I guess you’re right…” Teddy wanders over to a kitchen cabinet, grabs rum as well as the appropriate glasses, and mixes up a rum and coke for Charlie, and one for himself. He brings both drinks over to the couch, putting his on the table and handing Charlie his, “Oh! Before I forget, you can take a shower if you want”

“Uh why would I do that?”

“Uh… because you stink and I don’t want a stinky guest stinking up my home”

“But.. your home already stinks”

“Yeah- like smoke and roses, not garbage”

“Uhh smells like a whore house to me, dude.”

Teddy raises an eyebrow, “excuse me?”

“Yeah, y'know, because they try to cover up the smell of them bangin’ so the light a bunch of incest-”

“Incense”

“Eahhh whatever!” Charlie waves his hands a little “You’re probably one of those guys that’re too good to go to a whore house, you get a girl at a bar and talk to her all nice nd bring her home.”

Teddy laughs, “oh man, I wish. I’ve never been able to pick up girls.”

“What? Really? But you’re chiseled and handsome, like a little statue man”

“Thank... you?”

“Yeah man!” Charlie takes a big sip of his drink.

“Do you have trouble picking up girls, charlie?”

“Well I mean I’ve been trying to get this one girl to date me for like..” He waves his hand around, sloshing his drink, “Uhh….. at least 10 years”

“Oh jeez, maybe it’s time to move on.” Teddy says with sympathy in his voice.

“Move on? From the waitress? Nahh we’re just. Meant to be, y’know?”

“If you were meant to be, you would’ve happened by now. Forcing it is bad”

“Nah that’s silly, I’ll prove it. We’ll go see her”

“Don’t you want to clean up first?”

“Clean up? No I’m fine, I showered last week.”

“You might have a better chance with this girl if you’re clean. Plus, if you shower, I’ll let you get whatever you want on your half of the pizza. No restrictions.”

Charlie stands up fast, “Direct me to your library, good sir.”

“You mean.. lavatory?”

“Yea whatever the room with the bleach and the toilet”

Teddy smiles a little, “it’s the first door on the left.”

“A-thankyou, my good sir,” he tips an imaginary hat before slamming the rest of his drink and making his way to the bathroom. Teddy follows Charlie down the hall but instead walks a few feet forward and takes a right into his bedroom.

Charlie looks around the bathroom, “wow! It sure is clean in here. No bugs or anything..” he looks at himself in the mirror before realizing it’s a medicine cabinet as well, “Ooh! An openable mirror,” he says to himself as he opens it. He stands, analyzing all the bottles, looking for colors he recognizes. He finds a red bottle marked with a word in that began with ‘ty’, he remembers the combination of letters and colors and takes a couple, before stripping and and getting in the shower. Charlie has a natural aversion to anything involving soap and water coming in contact with his skin, so he showers as fast as he can.

Teddy knocks on the door, “Hey Charlie, do you wanna borrow a clean shirt?”

“Uhhhhh do you think one’ll fit?”

“I’m only two inches shorter than you, yeah it’ll fit”

“Okay I’ll pick one when I get out.” Teddy pulls a few graphic T shirts out of his closet and lays them out on the bed in his room. Teddy selects a shirt, as well as a pair of pants, and changes into them. As he’s putting his shoes on, Charlie peeks in and enters the room with his original pants and shoes on, he looks at the shirts on the bed,

“uhhh….” his eyes move from shirt to shirt “I don’t really want to wear any of these-“ he looks to Teddy, who is wearing a shirt that says ‘May Contain Alcohol’, his eyes light up, “I want that one.”

Teddy looks down at his chest “Oh.. I don’t know if it’s good for picking up girls but sure,” he pulls the shirt off and hands it to Charlie, who takes it and puts it right on. As Charlie looks to Teddy for his opinion, he catches a glimpse of two scars under Teddy’s pecs as he lifts a new shirt over his head and puts it on.

“Woah, hey, those look gnarly, what happened?” Teddy’s head pops through the neck hole of the shirt.

“Oh.. uh..” he shrugs “that’s nothing, don’t worry about it” Charlie just kinda nods and shakes it off as he claps his hands together.

“Okay! Let’s go see the waitress!” he practically runs out of the room before turning around and peeking back in the room at Teddy, “Uh… could you buy me a box of chocolates? For her I mean.” Teddy sighs and nods.

“Yeah, sure, let’s go. There’s a florist down the street and they have heart boxes.”

Charlie gives a quick thumbs up, “Thanks dude” and runs out the apartment door and waits in the hall. Teddy follows in time, locking the apartment door behind him.

They make their way back down the hall, into the elevator, and out the building. The boys walk down the street and stop into the aforementioned florist. Charlie picks out a heart box, then turns and looks at a rack of flowers marked ‘sale’

“Oh! Can we get sale flowers?”

Teddy rolls his eyes, “I’m already buying you the heart box, do you really need flowers too?”

Charlie tilts his head down and looks at Teddy. “...please?” Teddy, being very weak willed and eager to please, grabs a sale bouquet of Red Carnations, Yellow Daisies, and Purple Monte Casino flowers and places it on the checkout counter. Charlie is beaming as he bounces up to the counter behind Teddy. Teddy pays and they exit the store, Charlie with both the box and the flowers in hand. Teddy hails a taxi and they both get in.

“Where to?” The driver asks. Before Teddy can even ask Charlie where they’re going, Charlie leans forward as he says very clearly and confidently, “The women’s shelter on Broad Street, please,” the driver nods and starts driving. When he finally sits back, Teddy hits Charlie on the shoulder with the back of his hand and whispers

“The women’s shelter? She lives in the woman’s shelter?”

“Well yeah she’s had a pretty rough time.”

“Jeez… I guess she must’ve to end up in a shelter.” Charlie quietly nods and agrees, and the rest of the taxi ride is relatively quiet, other than Charlie getting excited and kicking his legs around in the footwell every so often.

They get to the shelter, Teddy, of course, pays the taxi driver. By the time he’s ready to get out, Charlie is already at the shelter door. Teddy runs to catch up and they walk through the door together. Charlie walks up to the desk and he asks simply for ‘the waitress’ the receptionist gives him a look.  
“Sir, I need a name”

“Oh, Uh, her name is-“

“Charlie? Ugh…” he whips around and he sees a blonde woman standing there with her arms crossed. It’s The Waitress.

“Oh hey! I got these for you” Charlie holds the flowers out, she rolls her eyes and sighs as she takes them,

“Charlie, unless you’re here to tell me that that guy” -she points at teddy with the flowers- “is your boyfriend and that you’re going to leave me alone forever, I’m not interested”

“Uh-“ he looks at Teddy, then back at her “no.. I wanted to come say that-”

“That you love me? Fuck off, Charlie.”

“But I-I want to help you feel happy-“

She cuts him off again, “You want me to feel happy? I’ll be happy when I never see your disgusting stalker face again!”  
She throws the flowers on the floor, stomps on them, and angrily walks away. Charlie slowly turns around and walks out without saying a thing.

“Woah- hey, Charlie! Wait up!” Teddy jogs after him and finds him sitting on the stoop of the shelter crying, Teddy sits down to his right and pats his back, “Charlie I’m sorry..”

Charlie sobs out something that vaguely sounds like ‘what’s wrong with me?’ As he curls up and tucks into Teddy’s chest. Teddy tenses up but just figured it’s for the best to let it happen.

“I dunno dude.. sometimes people just aren’t right for one another,” he sighs, “relationships are hard, even getting into one is hard. It’s probably for the best to move on” Charlie just grumbles and sniffles, Teddy rubs his back.  
“Do you still wanna get pizza and beer?” Charlie nods. “Okay buddy, we’ll pick some up on the way home.” Charlie nods again,

“Okay..” he mumbles.

“C’mon.. let's get up and get going..” Teddy stands, “before we get security called on us” he mumbles.

“Huh?” Charlie looks up at teddy from the ground.

“Nothing, here-“ Teddy holds his hand out, Charlie grabs it and stands up. They catch a taxi to a grocery store a short walk away from Teddy’s apartment. Charlie doesn’t say or do much of anything other than grabbing a twelve pack of Hurricane, Teddy does the same. They pay, leave, and start the walk back to the apartment. They don’t say anything to each other until they get back to the apartment. Teddy crouches in front of the fridge, putting the beers away as Charlie kicks his shoes off and cuddles up with the blanket previously folded up on the couch.

“Can I Uh… have one of those beers, please?”

“Sure, Charlie,” Teddy puts all But two beers in an gets up with them in hand, walking over and putting one on the table as he hands the other to Charlie.

“You coulda just.. tossed it to me,” he sniffles, looking at Teddy with the beer in hand.

“Yeah but it would’ve just gotten shaken and you’d have to wait to drink it.” Charlie smiles weakly and takes it,

“Thanks..” he cracks it open.

Teddy smiles, “No problem, now, let’s order that pizza” -he opens an app on his phone- “what do you want on your half?”

“Everything..”

Teddy blinks, then looks at Charlie, “like.. literally everything or-“

“Well what do they got?” Charlie leans over and looks at the phone “Uh… I can’t read” -he leans back- “just like, onions, peppers, pineapple, pepperoni…. do you have mayonnaise?”

“Why would you need mayonnaise?”

“Uh- to dip it in, obviously,” He sips his beer and pulls the blanket back up to his chest.

Teddy nods, feigning understanding “Yeah, right.. yeah I have mayo. Do you want extra sauce and cheese?”

“Mm-hm” Charlie nods as he takes a longer sip from the can.

“Ok cool, can do, dude” Teddy taps around in his phone and before you know it, the order is placed. Teddy kicks his own shoes off and sits back,  
“So.. did you figure out what you wanna watch?” Charlie shakes his head. “Hmm… well… we can watch a comedy,” he turns to look at Charlie for a response, nothing. “ we could watch… a horror movie,” still nothing, “...what about a musical?”

Charlie immediately sits up, “Do you think Grease is on?”

Teddy smiles and looks surprised “Yeah, I think I’ve seen it on here, let’s punch it in,” Teddy types it into the search bar and it pops up.

Charlie readjusts so he’s sitting forward with the blanket wrapped around him, “Oh man, I haven’t seen Grease in so long. I usually just listen to the cassette.”

“Well, you better know all the songs because you bet your ass we’re singing them all,”

Charlie’s eyes light up like the first time he saw the bag of cheez whiz, “Really? You mean it? The gang NEVER wants to sing along!”

Teddy smiles and nods, proud that he turned Charlie’s day around so fast, “yup, so you better finish that beer and grab another so we can get our party started!” Teddy grabs his long gone flat rum and coke and drinks it all down, slamming the glass on the table and sighing once it’s swallowed.

10:00 PM

They sing like maniacs for hours to Grease, Little shop of horrors, and The producers. Eventually singing to musicals turns into singing along to 80’s rock, and then as they got more wasted, 80’s pop.

2:00 AM

Things have calmed down, they’re wasted and just sorta laying around as music plays, and they’re talking about life

“I just feel like they don’t respect me, y’know?

Teddy nods “yeah. It’s like. They treat you like a dog”

Charlie rolls his head to look at Teddy, “Y'know, they don’t respect you either”

“Well, yeah, of course they don’t. I’m just an employee”

“Nah man, I mean, I heard Dennis talking when I was actually in the vents” Charlie sips the last of his tenth can of beer, “He was sayin’ stuff like how he’s gonna break you with Charlie Work and mold you into the perfect employee. And it made me mad. Cause like. You’re cool and I’m not some kinda- kinda-“ he gestures with his hands, trying to find the words.

“-punishment?”

“Yeah! I’m not a punishment!....right?”

“Of course not. The work sucks but you know how to get it done quick so you can do whatever you want for the rest of the day. Plus, if I thought you were a punishment, I wouldn’t have invited you over and bought you pizza or let you shower or- even let you in really”

“I feel like.. like you get me. You like the smell of bleach and gasoline and- and you don’t make fun of me when I mess up words or can’t read stuff”

“It’s not a problem, Charlie, I just treat you like a person.”

“I wanna be a cook. Is it hard?”

“Well.. you do have to be able to read recipes, but if you have a good feel for how to season things you don’t really need it”

“Is there any pizza left?”

“No, why? Are you hungry?”

Charlie grunts and sits up, “I’m gonna make you the only thing I know how to make, a Grilled Charlie.”

“That… doesn’t involve you burning yourself, does it?”

“No! It’s a- you know what? I’ll just make it” Charlie makes his way to the fridge in the kitchen and starts digging around, pulling out cheese, peanut butter, and chocolate syrup. He turns around fast and stumbles a little “where’s your bread?”

“In the breadbox,” Teddy gets up and walks over, opening a plastic box on the counter and pulling out a loaf of white bread. He hands it to Charlie “here”

“Thanks.. and the butter?”

Teddy points at a covered dish on the counter,

Charlie takes the butter and puts it and the other ingredients by the stove. He gets a frying pan ad turns the stove on.

Teddy sits on the counter “so.. what is a Grilled Charlie?”

“Well, it’s simple, you butter your pan” He sections off a pat of butter and it falls in the pan, then gets a slice of cheese and a slice of bread, and butters the non-cheese side before putting them in the pan, cheese side down,

Teddy winces, knowing he’s going to have a hard time cleaning that pan with a hangover tomorrow.

“you put part of the sandwich in the pan, then you get your chocolate sauce and you squirrrrt” -he squirts the sauce on the buttered side of the bread- “it on the bread, then you get your other bread and peanut butter it, and put the peanut butter side out,” Charlie plops the peanut buttered slice of bread on top of the smoking, cheesy, chocolaty mess already in the pan. He fishes a spatula out of the utensil holder, scrapes the mess up, and then flips it.

“So a Grilled Charlie is like an inside out peanut butter chocolate grilled cheese”

Charlie turns and looks at Teddy in surprise, he points to him with the spatula, “see? Now you’re getting it!” Charlie pulls the sandwich out of the pan and holds it on the spatula, “Uh.. I need a plate”

“Oh! Right” Teddy jumps off the counter, turns around, pulls a small plate from the cabinet, and holds it out to charlie so he can slide the sandwich onto it.

“Right, now, I’ll just pull it apart so we can share it-“

“Wait! Why don’t we just cut it, so it’s equal.”

Charlie stops, looks at Teddy, and smiles, “Man!” He pushes Teddy’s shoulder, “you are so full of good ideas, dude!”

Teddy grins sheepishly and blushes a little as he places the plate down, grabs a knife from the silverware drawer and slices the sandwich in half diagonally. He’s secretly really glad that the only light in the kitchen is from the stove lamp. Charlie stands next to Teddy at the counter, and takes half the sandwich. Teddy takes his half as well.

“Hey,” -Teddy holds his half of the sandwich up- “to finding new friends better than our jerky old ones.”

Charlie’s already taken a bite, “Oh, Yeah! Friends!” He mumbles with a full mouth as they toast their sandwiches together.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Alrighty so... this is my first fic I’m ever writing so uh idk. You can’t bully me I know it’s bad lol. This is just an epilogue really. Because everyone knows canon Paddy’s Pub doesn’t have a kitchen.


End file.
